


Now I'm Here (And I Want To Stay That Way)

by CustardBattle



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Eating Disorder, F/F, F/M, Families of Choice, Family Feels, Friendship, M/M, Mentions of Famine - Freeform, Mentions of genocide, Past Child Abuse, Tarsus IV, Winona's A+ Parenting, did I mention the angst?, reckless behaviour, reconcilliation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-06-05 09:13:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6698866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CustardBattle/pseuds/CustardBattle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's fairly common knowledge that Jim Kirk did not have a typical childhood, how could he have, with the circumstances of his birth? What is not common knowledge is exactly what that childhood entailed. As the captain of the Enterprise, Jim is trying to move on from his past but the Enterprise's latest mission will dredge up a whole host of things he would really rather not think about again. Ever. </p><p>Can his new friends help him finally accept his past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Winona Kirk stared blankly at the ceiling of the shuttle clutching her new baby tightly to her chest. George died. She couldn't wrap her mind around it. Her husband is dead. Tears streamed silently out of her eyes.

What was she supposed to do now? She had to take care of Sam, and now Jim too, without George. She was going to have to raise her sons without their father.

One of the nurses approached her and quietly told her that they needed to perform a couple of tests on the baby she still held in her arms. Winona looked down at the baby in her arms, blinking up at her trustingly, in the way only a baby can.

Winona looked into the eyes of her son, the striking cornflower blue eyes. George's eyes. George, who was dead. Winona suddenly felt sick to her stomach. She silently handed her new son to the nurse just so she wouldn't have to stare into those eyes anymore.

Winona felt an irrational surge of bitterness in her chest. George was dead, he had sacrificed himself for all these people and now she was going to have to look into his eyes every day for at least the next 18 years and know that she would never see those eyes on the love of her life ever again.

If she hadn't been pregnant George wouldn't have been so quick to sacrifice himself, she thought. If it hadn't been for the God damn baby she might still have her husband with her, Sam might still have a father.

The infant began squalling from across the room and Winona wanted to scream. Didn't he understand what he had cost her? What he had cost himself? George was dead and he was never coming back.

The nurse came back over with the screaming infant in her arms and held him out to Winona. Winona stared at the baby, his tiny face screwed up, his shrill cries echoing around the shuttle, George's eyes obscured by tears. She took him in her arms and rocked him back and forth out of habit.

"I think I blame him," she said, staring intently into the baby's face. She felt the nurse stiffen beside her.

"You're just tired," the nurse replied quietly, taking the baby back out of her arms, "you've had a very traumatic day. You need time to mourn."

Winona hummed in agreement and the nurse relaxed, turning her attention to the baby in her arms.

Winona watched the nurse rock the baby - Jim, she reminded herself, his name is Jim - and privately thought that she wouldn't ever be able to look into George's eyes on someone who wasn't George and not hate them for having a part of him that she never could.

She didn't know it at the time, but she was right.


	2. The Prodigal Brother Returns

_Captain's log, stardate 2262.55: The Enterprise has just been assigned to carry out a scientific mission in the nearby Imdali System. We will be conducting a study on the environmental viability of establishing a dilithium mine on the class M planet Damara. Damara appears to be rich in dilithium and is home to a primitive but warp enabled race. We will be welcoming two research scientists for the purposes of this mission, Drs. George and Aurelan Kirk, who will be beamed aboard from a federation outpost on the planet Myar later today._

Captain James Tiberius Kirk clicked off the recording in his ready room and leaned back in his chair. The mission had been handed down from Starfleet command a few days earlier and ever since he had read the description he had been fighting off a panic attack. Drs. George and Aurelan Kirk had been assigned to this mission. It made sense, he supposed. He was an accomplished research biologist and she had more experience than anyone else in the geology of dilithium crystals, Jim just wished that another ship had been given this mission, any other ship.

Just thinking about the two soon-to-be guests made Jim's anxiety spike. He closed his eyes, flattened his arms on the arm rests on his chair and slowly drew air in through his nose, held it in for a moment and blew it violently back out.

\- - - - - - - - - -

Ten year old Jimmy Kirk stood in the doorway of his older brother's room, watching him pack. Jimmy pressed himself as close to the smooth mahogany door-frame as he possibly could. His brother was angrily pulling clothes from his closet and stuffing them into the canvas duffle bag that lay open on his bed.

"He didn't mean it, Sam." Jim said softly, "you don't have to go."

Sam whirled around angrily, still keyed up from the shouting match that he and their step-father, Frank, had just finished. "He meant it, alright," Sam replied bitterly, continuing to pack, "I meant it too. I'm leaving Jimmy, I can't be a Kirk here, not with him." Sam spat out the last word with so much venom that Jimmy recoiled and reflexively looked over his shoulder to ensure that Frank, who was passed out in the living room, hadn't heard.

Jim shrank back further as Sam finished packing and angrily zipped up his bag. He looked at Jim and sighed heavily, "I'm sorry, Jimmy, but I need to go. There's nothing left for me here. Maybe it would have been different, if... Well, if things had worked out differently."

If Dad had survived, Jimmy knew what Sam thought even though the older boy seemed unwilling to say it out loud. Maybe, if Dad hadn't died to protect him, if his mother could stand to look at him, if she hadn't married the first willing guy she met just so she could get back into space, maybe if Jimmy hadn't been born Sam would be able to stay.

But Jimmy had been born, and his father had died for him, and his mother had all but abandoned them the first chance she got, and so Sam had to leave. Just like everything else it was all Jimmy's fault.

"I'll miss you," Jimmy offered meekly, doing his best not to let the tears that were building show through.

Sam didn't respond to that, he just picked up his duffle bag and walked out of the house, slamming the front door behind him.

Jimmy ran into his room and scrambled out of his window onto the roof, thinking that maybe if Sam turned around for one last look at the house he could wave at him. Sam never turned around.

\- - - - - - - - - -

Jim was startled out of his breathing exercise by the electronic beep of one of his crew members requesting entrance to his ready room. "Come in," he called brightly, arranging his features into their usual cocky expression.

The door slid open and Commander Spock, his first officer, stepped into the room, the doors whooshing shut behind him. "Captain, we are approaching Myar. It is time to assemble the welcome committee in transporter room 1." The report was delivered in the Vulcan's usual monotone voice.

"Thank you, Mr. Spock," Jim replied taking a deep breath and standing up.

Spock raised an eyebrow at the Captain's unusual breathing pattern, "are you alright, Captain?"

"Just peachy." Jim replied, Spock tilted his head and opened his mouth to inquire as to the meaning of the captain's idiom but Jim chucked and clapped Spock on the back. "I'm fine, Mr. Spock," he cut Spock off, "let's go greet the Drs. Kirk."

Jim strode confidently out of his ready room, Spock followed a step behind regarding the captain curiously out of the corner of his eye. Jim had never displayed signs of anxiety before, at least not as far as Spock was aware, not even when mad men were trying to destroy the galaxy. Spock had seen the Captain afraid, angry, devastated, hysterical, joyful, and even somber, but never anxious. The behaviour had begun several days prior when their newest mission had been handed down, Spock had initially concluded that the captain was simply bored and attempting to prevent himself from doing something brash, he no longer believed that to be the case. It definitely had something to do with the two scientists who were coming aboard, the Drs. Kirk. Spock had briefly considered the possibility that one or both of them may be related to the captain in someway, but he had quickly dismissed it. The captain surely would have mentioned something if any relation of his were to come on board, it was simply not in his nature to keep silent about that which he enjoyed.

Spock expelled the doubts from his mind, the most likely scenario was that the captain was simply tired and not looking forward to the dull mission ahead. Jim greeted everyone they passed on the way to the transporter room with his usual wide smile and warm remarks, showing no hint of the nerves he had exhibited earlier.

Jim and Spock arrived at the Transporter room to find Scotty already sitting at the console, prepared to beam up their guests. "Ready to beam up our guests cap'n," Scotty declared as soon as the two of them entered, his thick Scottish brogue marring the words so that Jim had to strain to understand what he had said.

"Beam them up when they're ready, Mr. Scott," Jim replied, his voice full of a confidence he didn't feel.

"Aye, Sir," Scotty acknowledged, turning back to the console and initiating the beam up. Within moments two people and a couple of suitcases materialized on the transporter pad. The woman, presumably Dr. Aurelan Kirk, was beautiful. She had a full, kind face with soft features and twinkling brown eyes framed by waves of voluminous chocolate coloured hair. She was a about a foot shorter than her husband who stood next to her. Everyone in the room did a double take when they saw him, Spock even raised an eyebrow in surprise, for the man standing in front of them was the spitting image of their captain. He was slightly older and plumper and a bushy mustache sat upon his upper lip but otherwise the two could have been clones.

Jim stiffened as soon as he saw the two of them. He took a deep breath, clenching his hands together behind his back so hard his knuckles were white, trying desperately to remind himself that this was neither the time nor the place for him to have an emotional breakdown. Clearing his throat Jim began the formal welcome he had been practicing for the past three days, "Dr. and Dr. Kirk, welcome aboard the USS Enterprise. I'm Captain Kirk, this is my first officer Commander Spock and my Chief Engineer Mr. Scott." Jim gestured to each of them in turn, "I hope you'll enjoy your stay on the enterprise, Mr. Spock will show you to your rooms."

Jim fell silent as he finished the greeting and realized that everyone in the room was looking at him strangely. "You never mentioned having a brother, Captain," Spock said after a few moments of awkward silence.

Jim snorted, "I don't."

George Kirk looked betrayed at that statement and stepped forward off the transporter pad, "Jimmy -"

"Excuse me," Jim interrupted, "I have some paperwork that needs my attention." Jim turned on his heel and hastily walked out of the room.

George looked heartbroken as he watched Jim walk out of the room. Aurelan walked up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. George sighed heavily and turned to Spock, "It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. George Samuel Kirk, and your captain is my younger brother."


	3. Time Doesn't Wash It All Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief discussion of suicide in this chapter. Deeper recreation of the car scene from the 2009 Star Trek movie. Also discussion of child abuse. You have been warned.

Dr. Leonard McCoy was angry. He stormed through the halls of the Enterprise, the other members of the crew jumping out of his way to avoid being snapped at by the livid doctor.

Jim had just commed him and explained that he was going to take the rest of the shift off in order to "catch up on his sleep." After sharing a dorm with Jim for three years at the academy Bones knew that was code for "I'm have a panic attack and having other people around will make it worse but I have responsibilities now so I have to tell someone."

It had taken Bones an unbelievably long time to gain enough of Jim's trust that he knew even that much about the state of his mental health. It took a long time for Jim to trust anyone enough to open up enough for them to even find out that Jim had mental health issues.

To Bones's knowledge Jim hadn't had a panic attack since the start of their five year mission, and he certainly hadn't had one that was bad enough for him to have to take the day off. And now some scientists come on board and within ten minutes Jim is holed up in his room with the door locked and the medical override canceled. Bones would have a talk with Jim about the dangers of canceling the medical override on his door once Jim had calmed down and Bones had ensured that whoever had caused his best friend such distress wouldn't come within ten feet of him ever again.

Bones had informed Spock of Jim's 'nap' directly after Jim had informed him and Spock had called a meeting of the senior officers in the boardroom off the bridge.

Bones reached the boardroom, still spitting mad. The doors slid open and Bones felt as though the floor had fallen out from under him. Jim's brother sat in one of the chairs around the table, along with the rest of the senior officers and a woman Bones didn't recognize.

"What are you doing here?" Bones demanded.

"You know him?" Uhura asked, surprised.

"We've never met, but I knew Jim had an older brother he hasn't spoken to since he was ten. Which brings me back to the question of what that brother is doing here now." Bones replied, his eyes remaining fixed on George Kirk.

"I'm one of the scientists who was assigned to help on the mission to Damara. My wife, Aurelan, is the other." George gestured to the woman sitting next to him.

Bones opened his mouth to make a cutting remark but he was interrupted by Uhura. "Wait, what do you mean the captain hasn't seen his brother since he was ten? You can't be that much older than he is."

George sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair looking melancholy. "I'm four years older than him," this made everyone except Bones and Aurelan look even more confused. Bones crossed his arms, still looking at George angrily while Aurelan took her hand on Georges and smiled at him encouragingly.

"After my father died," George began, "Mom wasn't the same. She was always either crying or yelling, especially when Jimmy would act up. She never wanted to be stuck on earth and so she would go on every deep space mission she possibly could. She married a guy named Frank so that she could legally leave me and Jimmy back on earth while she chased the ghost of our father. Frank and I never got along, something Mom knew, and finally when I was fourteen I couldn't take it anymore. I packed a bag and ran away. I went to a boarding school on Mars and did whatever jobs I could get. Mom understood why I left, she used to give me money once a month and we still talk fairly regularly."

"You left your ten year old brother in a house with a guy you hated enough to run away from and never spoke to him again?" Uhura asked, incredulously.

"He understood," George said confidently, "and he and Mom still talked so it's not like he was alone."

"You're wrong." Everyone's heads whipped around to see Jim standing in the doorway, listening to their conversation. His eyes were slightly red and he had an uncharacteristically blank expression on his face.

"What do you mean, Captain?" Spock was the first to recover from his shock.

"I mean Sam's wrong," Jim repeated. "Mom blames me for Dad's death. I haven't talked to her since I was twelve." There wasn't any anger in the statement, there wasn't any emotion at all. Jim said it like it was a fact that had been true for far too long to get emotional about it.

Bones could feel his heart breaking in his chest at the same time a wave of anger welled up. How could the people who were supposed to love Jim the most in the entire world reject and hurt him like this? How dare they reduce his brilliant, vibrant best friend to an emotionless mask?

"Jimmy, I-" George didn't seem to know what to say.

"I know, Sam," Jim said softly. "I know you blamed me too, consciously or not. I don't hold you responsible for that, you were just a kid too. But you left. You ran away and left me with that _Bastard_. He may not have liked you, but he hated me."

Jim abruptly stopped talking and took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm sorry, I need to go." He spun on his heel and walked out of the room. Bones shot George a scathing look and quickly hurried after his best friend.

\- - - - - - - - - -

Twelve year old Jim Kirk pressed his foot down on the gas pedal as hard as he could, the beautiful red convertible hurtling down the deserted road faster and faster.

The built in phone rang and Jim answered it tentatively. Frank's voice filled the car, screaming at him for taking the car. Jim nervously began to slow down, not wanting to face Frank's wrath so soon after the last time. He was prepared to turn around and go home until Frank yelled that Jim had taken _his_  car.

Jim hung up on Frank's threats, no longer caring what the man had to say. This car belonged to his father, dead or not, and he would do what he pleased with it. Screw Frank. Jim cranked up some music and released the sunroof, letting it fly off and land on the road behind him.

The wind whipped through Jim's short blonde hair and made his eyes water. He pressed harder on the accelerator whooping as the car flew down the road. If this was what space travel felt like he could almost forgive his mother for never coming home, what a rush!

Jim passed by one of the older boys who he got into fights with regularly and yelled a greeting to him as he flew past. The boy looked perplexed and Jim whooped, laughing in hysteric glee.

He pushed his foot harder on the gas pedal, pushing the car to move even faster. He heard the a siren ringing through the air, cutting through his manic delight. Jim looked behind him and caught sight of a police droid on a hovercycle.

Jim scanned the road for a way out. He was sure the droid was telling him to pull over but he wasn't ready to abandon the adrenalin pumping through his veins.

The wind rushed past his head as Jim caught sight of a gate to his right. He jerked the steering wheel around just as the droid caught up to him and the car swerved sharply. The momentum of the car breaking the chain on the gate and it jumped out of his way.

Jim hurled down the dusty, unpaved road, the joy of his earlier freedom replaced with a kind of hysterical desperation. Over top of the dashboard of the car Jim could just see a wide chasm fast approaching.

Jim continued towards the chasm at a breakneck pace, overtaken by an irrational anger. If he stopped now, Frank would get the car back and Jim would be punished severely for taking it in the first place.

He could keep going. He could keep his foot on the pedal and drive the car right off the edge. He'd never have to face his mother's disapproval whenever he did something she considered even remotely disruptive, anything normal. He wouldn't have to see her eyes cloud over with the memories he inevitably evoked and face the pain of knowing his mother would never be able to see _him_. He wouldn't have to face Frank and his drunken rage and his meaty fists that left bruises Jim had to explain away.

He renewed the pressure of his foot on the accelerator. He could leave all of the pain of life behind if he just kept going. Jim yelled at the top of his voice, heart pounding in his chest.

The car was rapidly coming up to the edge of the chasm and Jim suddenly thought of his teacher, a woman who had decided the moment she had laid eyes on him that he was a trouble maker. He couldn't sit still in class and he corrected her when she was wrong, and she hated him for it. She hated that an eighth grader was smarter than she was. She had told the other teachers he wouldn't ever achieve anything. She'd told his mother and Frank too. Everyone had believed her without question. If he drove off the cliff in front of him, they'd all be right. He would die without ever having achieved anything.

At the last second Jim decided that he was going to prove them wrong. He would take the beatings, and the yelling, and the disappointment, and he would live.

Jim changed gears and slammed his foot on the brakes, the car twisting sideways in a cloud of dust. He climbed onto the door and launched himself off the side of the car. Jim sailed through the air, arms pinwheeling as he fell to the ground. He landed heavily on the road but the momentum of the car stayed with him. He slid towards the edge of the cliff, clawing desperately for purchase on the rough ground.

Jim felt his body slide over the edge of the cliff before catching hold of a rock and jolting to a stop, his legs and torso already dangling over the edge. And wasn't that the perfect metaphor for his life?

Jim barely registered the harsh sound of shattering glass and metal breaking apart as he hauled himself back onto solid ground. Laying on his stomach he looked up to see the police droid standing over him.

"What is your name, citizen?" the droid asked in the electronic monotone that all droids speak with.

Jim felt a surge of anger and determination, probably a result of the adrenaline still pumping through his system. He scrambled to his feet and brushed the dust off his clothes. He stared into the mechanical face of the police droid, a wind he hadn't noticed before whipping around him, and he shouted, with a desperate confidence borne of knowing a fact without quite believing it, "my name is James Tiberius Kirk."

\- - - - - - - - - -

Bones found Jim in his ready room and softly enters the room, locking the door behind him. Jim was sitting in his chair, facing away from the door. He appeared to be staring blankly out of the window into the blackness of space.

"Jim?" Bones said quietly, approaching his friend as though he was a skittish horse. "How are you?"

Jim snorted bitterly. Bones walked around the desk and came to a stop next to the window. Jim's eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed, as though he had been crying. Bones leaned against the wall, settling in to wait until Jim was ready to talk to him.

"I don't know how to deal with this, Bones," Jim said eventually, sounding so small and broken that Bones felt his heart clench. "Sam left. I was ten and he told me that he 'couldn't be a Kirk' in Iowa, with me. And I know it was Frank he was running away from but, at least on some level, I think it was me too. I killed his father and took his mother away all at once. His family was destroyed and he was stuck with a smartass little brother he never wanted and an abusive step-father who hated him." Bones opened his mouth to protest Jim's declaration but Jim held up a hand to stop him. "I know you think that's bullshit Bones, but I know it's how he felt. I understand. I understood then too. If I could have run away from Frank I would have too, if I could have. Frank was a mean drunk and, even though he never hated Sam as much as he hated me, running away was definitely the best option."

"If running away was the best option, why didn't you?" Bones asked curiously. This was the most he'd ever heard Jim talk about his childhood. "I understand why you didn't leave with Sam when you were ten, but Pike recruited you from Iowa."

To Bones's surprise, Jim burst into genuine laughter. "I didn't run away because I didn't need to," he replied. "I drove a car off a cliff when I was twelve and my mom was so angry she sent me to live with her sister on a new off-planet colony that had just been established. I haven't been back in that house, or seen her or Frank, since. I was in Riverside when Pike found me because that's where I happened to wash up that week, it was just a weird coincidence." Jim's eyes remained fixed on whatever he was watching outside the ship the entire time he was talking.

It didn't escape Bones's notice that Jim didn't mention the name of the colony or anything that had happened in between getting sent off-planet and being recruited. Bones sighed heavily and stood up, stepping towards his best friend and pulled Jim to his feet. He wrapped Jim up in a bear hug and felt him tense. Bones's heart broke a little more each moment Jim took to relax into the hug because, despite Jim's tendency to sleep with everything that moved and consented, this amazing man was still just a kid who hadn't been hugged anywhere near as much as he deserved.

"It'll be okay, kid," Bones said into Jim's shoulder once Jim finally started hugging him back, "you'll be okay." They stood like that for a long time until Jim pulled away gave Bones a grateful smile and slipped out of the room. Bones stood alone in the middle of the room, still unsure who he was trying to convince with his words, Jim or himself.


	4. Communication is Key

Jim was avoiding his brother. He was enough of an adult to be able to admit that to himself. It had been three days since George and Aurelan had come on board the Enterprise and they were fast approaching Damara. Jim had a few hours of peace left before he would have to speak to his brother again for the sake of the mission.

Jim strode down the corridor towards the mess hall going over some paperwork, hoping to grab a quick snack before it was time to beam down. He was so focused on his PADD that he didn't notice the person standing in the middle of the corridor until he walked straight into them.

"Sorry," Jim said automatically, bending over to pick up the PADD he had dropped in the collision. "I really need to learn to watch where I'm going."

"No harm done," the man replied. Jim's head whipped up and he mentally cursed himself for crashing into his older brother, the one person he was trying to avoid.

Jim's ego was soothed a little by the deer in headlights expression that overtook his brother's face once he realized who had bumped into him. "Jimmy!" Sam exclaimed, "how are you? I mean... It's just I haven't seen you since... I'm"

"Sam," Jim cut off his brother's rambling, "I'm fine, just in a bit of a hurry."

Jim tried to push past him but George stood frozen in place, staring at Jim sadly. "No one has called me Sam in years. You did it the other day too."

"Of course I did, that's your name." Jim replied irritably, "or at least it was when you left. The last time we saw each other we were very different people, Sam, and I recognize that. That's the reason I haven't asked you to stop calling me Jimmy."

"I'm sorry," George replied, "I didn't know that bothered you, I'll stop."

"Don't apologize, you had no way of knowing." Jim sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face, "I'm going to grab a bite to eat before we have to beam down to the planet. Would you like to join me? I think we need to talk."

George nodded, "I think that's a good idea." Jim nodded jerkily, turned and walked towards ten-forward, George trailing behind.

\- - - - - - - - - -

Twelve year old J.T. Kirk loved Tarsus IV. After he had driven his father's car off a cliff, Frank had picked him up from the police station foaming at the mouth. He had given Jim the worst beating of his life that night, eventually passing out on the couch leaving his step-son broken and bleeding on the floor. The next morning Frank had called Winona and the two of them had agreed that Jim was too much of a handful for Frank to handle on his own. Within the week Jim was on a shuttle to the new colony of Tarsus IV to live with his Aunt and Uncle, whom he had never met.

The colony looked very similar to Iowa, farms stretching as far as the eye could see in most directions, interrupted only by smallish towns and isolated farm houses. That was where the similarities ended. There was a dense forest backed by craggy mountains along one edge of the colony which all the children were forbidden from entering.

J.T. was, for the first time in his life, in a home where he was treated like a child rather than a burden. His intelligence was celebrated at school rather than belittled the way it had been in Iowa, he was even receiving special lessons from the famous linguist, Hoshi Sato. His Aunt and Uncle were strict but fair, never once had they raised a hand to him, and his cousins were perfectly willing to include J.T. in their games.

For J.T. Tarsus IV was heaven. He had noticed, however, the adults around him looking more and more stressed out and worried most of the time. Whenever he asked anyone about it they would brush him off and tell him not to worry.

J.T. had never been good at letting go of mysteries. He started eavesdropping on every conversation that he could and taking note of anything that was out of the ordinary. He came up with frustratingly little. He noticed lots of scientists and farmers going to visit Governor Kodos at his offices and the slow shrinking of portion sizes all across the colony but nothing more than that.

It wasn't until he overheard a conversation between a couple of teenagers at the high school that he managed to solve it. The crops were dying, and no one knew why. Suddenly all of the anxiety J.T. had been observing made sense. The way his Aunt would do her best not to throw out any food at all, how they would have leftovers for days. How they had stopped eating food that had been produced off-planet and were instead moving all of it into storage areas.

Now that J.T. had solved the mystery he noticed the effects of the oncoming famine everywhere. Eventually the problems got too large to hide, even from the youngest children, and the entire colony was put on rations. The crops had been almost completely eradicated and the atmosphere of the planet made it difficult to contact anyone outside of the colony.

The lives of 8,000 colonists hinged on the ability of their government to contact the federation and gain assistance, something the government seemed unable to do. J.T. watched his heaven begin to slowly wither and he was absolutely powerless to stop it.

\- - - - - - - - - -

The two brothers arrived in ten-forward together, replicated some lunch for themselves and found a table in one corner of the room. They sat across from each other and started to eat in silence, neither of them quite sure what to say.

"So..." Sam said after several long moments, "the other day you said that you haven't talked to Mom since you were 12. What happened? Did you run away too?"

"No," Jim snorted, "I drove Dad's car off a cliff. You remember that red Chevrolet that Mom kept in the garage?" George nodded, dumbfounded, "I got sent to live with Aunt Gail and Uncle Bernard off-planet as a punishment. I never went back."

"But Aunt Gail and Uncle Bernard died in the massacre on Tarsus... Tarsus IV." George trailed off, staring at Jim as though he had grown a second head. Jim, for his part was doing his best to look anywhere but at his brother. "No. No, Jim tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you weren't on Tarsus."

Jim closed his eyes, talking in deep breathes and letting them out slowly. "I was," he confirmed, tentatively opening his eyes and immediately regretting it. George was looking at him with a familiar mix of pity and horror that inevitably accompanied anyone learning about his time on Tarsus.

Jim immediately dropped his eyes and began to shovel food into his mouth, neither tasting it nor caring what it was. "Jim..." George said, voice shaky.

"Don't," Jim cut him off before he could say any more. "I really don't want to talk about it, Sam. It happened, I was there, I survived. That's it. Are you going to finish your lunch?"

George shook his head, looking a little sick. Jim grabbed George's plate and scraped the food onto his own. "I know you don't want to talk about it but can I just ask one thing?" George asked as Jim tucked into the mound of food in front of him.

"You can ask but I reserve the right not to answer," Jim replied.

George nodded, "that's fair. You said you never went home after getting sent off planet, why not?"

Jim snorted and glanced around, checking to make sure that no one was listening to their conversation. "After Starfleet pulled us out I was in the hospital for about six months. In that entire time no one showed up to claim me. The doctors called Winona several times but she never showed up so when the doctors said that they were ready to discharge me I just ran away instead of waiting for her to not show up." Jim shrugged as though this was no big deal, scraping the last remnants of food off of the bottom of his plate.

"Jim, I'm so sorry," George said, "if I had known..."

"You would have taken me with you when you left? You would have picked me up from the hospital?" Jim interrupted, "we both know you couldn't have taken care of me. You were still a kid too. Like I said yesterday, I don't blame you, Sam. You just don't bring up the best memories for me."

George opened his mouth to respond but he was interrupted by a message coming through Jim's comms, "Spock to Kirk."

Jim tapped his communication badge and replied, "go ahead Mr. Spock."

"Captain, we are in orbit around Damara. The environment appears to be hospitable to humanoid life," Spock reported.

"Thank you, Mr. Spock. Assemble an away team for an initial exploration of the planet, Sam and I will meet you in transporter room two. Kirk out." Jim replied, clicking off his comms and standing up to dispose of their trays. "Come on, Sam," he said, motioning for his stunned brother to follow him. "Time to go where no man has gone before."


	5. Into the Wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for descriptions of the Tarsus IV massacre and all that that entails.

Jim and Sam made their way through the corridors of the Enterprise towards the transporter room in silence. Jim was busy mentally preparing himself for the mission ahead while Sam followed behind him, wondering what exactly his little brother had done wrong in a past life to warrant the level of suffering he had been forced to endure alone.

When they reached the transporter room they found Spock, Uhura, Bones, Chekhov, and Aurlean waiting for them. Bones raised an eyebrow as the two brothers entered together but didn't comment on it.

The seven of them stepped onto the transporter platform and the ensign on duty initialized the transporter beam. When their matter had been reassembled on the planet the away team found themselves standing in the center what appeared to be a large city plaza.

The arid city was constructed of large rock forms which protruded from the ground and appeared to have been hollowed out. The most impressive of these rock forms stood in front of them. It had steps leading up to a wide archway and several lines of decorative shells encircled it at various heights. Several figures stood in the doorway of that structure.

They made their way down the stairs towards the away team and they finally managed to get a good look at the people they would be negotiating with. The Damarans were a bipedal, humanoid race with two sets of arms a piece. They all had leathery brown skin which clung closely to tall, slender frames. When they came to a stop in front of the away team they stood a good two feet taller than the tallest member of the away team. They wore long, flowing robes which seemed to have been haphazardly draped over their bodies.

The leader of the Damaran delegation spoke first, "I am Kochal, High Chancellor of Damara, welcome to our home."

Jim stepped forwards ever so slightly, "thank you for your hospitality. My name is Captain James T. Kirk of the _U.S.S. Enterprise_. This is my first officer, Commander Spock, Lieutenant Uhura, Doctor McCoy, Ensign Chekhov, Dr. Kirk, and Dr. Kirk." Jim gestured to each member of the away team as he introduced them and they each nodded respectfully to Kochal. "We will represent the United Federation of Planets in this trade negotiation. We would like to respectfully request your permission to do a preliminary investigation of your dilithium stores in order to confirm the information that you provided to the Federation."

"Do you not trust our reports?" Kochal boomed, offended.

"Of course we trust your information," Jim replied, his voice placating and respectful. "You have a reputation throughout the galaxy as a trustworthy and honourable race. This is simply a matter of procedure. Starfleet requires that the crew on site verify all reports prior to a treaty negotiation of this nature as most races in this galaxy are nowhere near as trustworthy as the Damara. It is unfortunate that such measures are required when we are certain that the reports will prove true however Starfleet cannot be seen to show favoritism towards one race over the others. I'm sure a leader as wise and experienced as yourself has dealt with similar such circumstances in the past."

"Of course," Kochal scoffed, "your are quite correct too. We've encountered several of the untrustworthy races you've described in the past. Some peoples are such barbarians." He sniffed imperiously, "Sorub will escort you to the nearest dilithium deposit. Once your superiors are satisfied that we are not lying we can begin negotiations."

"Thank you for understanding," Jim replied, "we'll do our scan and send the results off to Starfleet Command. We should get a response in an earth day or two and then we can proceed. We will contact you when that happens."

"We will eagerly await the opening of negotiations," Kochal replied, "I hope your superiors find the information you discover satisfactory." Kochal turned around and swept back up the stairs, followed by all but one of the members of his party.

"I am Sorub," the Damaran who had been left behind proclaimed, "follow me." Sorub turned to the left and set off through the deserted square towards the bustling marketplace. The members of the away team had to run to keep up with Sorub's long stride.

\- - - - - - - - - -

Thirteen year old J.T. Kirk followed his Aunt and Uncle towards the town square. The famine hadn't gotten any better and the rations had only dwindled. The Governor of the colony had been unable to solve the situation and the colonists had revolted. J.T. had heard about it from his Uncle who had helped the rebels. The Governor had been killed and a new Governor, Governor Kodos, had been given power.

Kodos had decided to open up the ration stores. The rations had been handed out in two shifts, half the colonists receiving their rations in the morning and the other half receiving them in the afternoon. Each colonist had to be present to collect their rations, even the youngest children, to ensure that everyone got their fair share.

Half the colony was packed into the city square, armed guards checking everyone's identification to make sure no one tried to sneak in for seconds. Kodos was supposed to make a speech before the members of the revolutionary guard, the people who had been responsible for the planning and execution of the revolt, would hand out the ration packs.

J.T. saw some of his friends through the crowd and, after checking with his Aunt, he headed over to join them. The small group of children greeted Jim warmly, his best friend Tom engaging him in their secret handshake.

Governor Kodos stepped onto the balcony of his mansion and a hush fell over the crowd. Four thousand pairs of starving, desperate eyes fixed on the man they believed would be able to save them. "The revolution is successful," he announced, his arms spread wide as he received the thunderous applause of those gathered below.

Kodos held up a hand to quiet the crowd and continued his speech, "But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society." There was a murmur of confusion from the crowd, Jim and Tom exchanged uneasy glaces.

Kodos continued his speech without regard for the crowds concern, "your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death."

"Get down," J.T. ordered in a low voice, his eyes darting around to all of the armed guards surrounding the square. "They're going to shoot everyone standing up, we need to play dead until they leave. All of you, on the ground now." J.T. moved quickly, laying on the ground. Tom and the other children who had gathered around them followed suit.

Kodos finished his speech with a flourish, "your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV." He swept back into the mansion and the revolutionary guard opened fire on the crowd. The entire square erupted into chaos. The sounds of screaming and phaser fire echoed through the whole colony as each of the four thousand colonists were picked off, one by one.

By the time the shooting stopped the square reeked of dead bodies, baking in the late day sun. The air was heavy with smoke left over from the phaser fire as the soldier picked their way through the carpet of dead bodies, looking for survivors.

J.T. and his kids, he'd already begun to think of them as 'his kids,' stayed as silent and still as possible. Each of them had one or two dead adults bodies covering their own but none of them were willing to take any chances. The youngest child was just barely holding back sobs, J.T. risked inching his hand towards the young boy holding his hand tightly.

The soldiers eventually decided that everyone must be dead and left the mass of bodies in the square to be dealt with in the morning. By that point the sun had begun to set and all of them were tired and hungry.

None of the kids moved until well into the night. J.T. was the first to risk it, cautiously shifting the bodies off of himself and sitting up, looking for anyone who might notice movement. The entire town was deserted.

J.T. quickly and quietly alerted the rest of the kids and they all slowly stood up. J.T. did a quick head count, only twenty kids had survived the massacre. J.T. was the oldest. He quickly rounded them up and rushed them into the forest where they would be hidden.

It took two days for J.T. to find a well hidden cave that was big enough to house all of them. When he showed his kids they were all just excited to be out of the open forest.

J.T. stood a the mouth of the cave looking back towards the colony with twenty kids, all of whom were relying on him for everything, hidden in the cave behind him. In that moment J.T. realized that Heaven couldn't exist for him. The only thing he could do was make sure that his kids lived long enough to find their own Heavens again.

\- - - - - - - - - -

Sorub lead them through the bustling market and across an open field towards a rocky outcropping near the edge of the city. When they arrived at the outcropping Sorub came to a stop and gestured to the outcropping. Aurlean raised an eyebrow and glanced at Jim uncertainly. Jim nodded encouragingly and Aurlean began to conduct her scan.

After a few moments of awkward silence Jim turned to Sorub. "So, Sorub, what's your job?"

"Excuse me?" Sorub asked, confused, "why do you want to know?"

"Just making conversation," Jim replied, shrugging, "scans like this can take ages, and I know everything about them already," he indicated the away team with his head.

"I am the keeper of the records," Sorub replied imperiously. "It is my job to ensure that all the business of the Chancellor is recorded in our history. I also am in charge of looking through our history to find precedents that have been set by previous Chancellors."

"That sounds really interesting," Jim nodded thoughtfully. "Do you enjoy it?"

"That is irrelevant. Keeper of the Records is a role that has been passed through my family for generations. It is my duty and a privilege to fulfill the role," Sorub waved his hand dismissively. "Do you enjoy your role, Captain Kirk?"

"I do," Jim replied softly. "I really do. In our culture we choose which jobs we do but I actually chose to be a Starfleet Captain because my father was. I don't know exactly what I was expecting when I joined up. It definitely wasn't what I got. But, I'm glad that I did it, I can't imagine doing anything else."

Sorub gave Jim a long, assessing look, "I too can not imagine performing any other task. I suppose that I find my current role quite fulfilling."

Aurlean approached the two of them hesitantly, "I've finished my investigation, Captain. I should be able to analyze the results in the lab back on the ship."

"Excellent," Jim exclaimed, "good job, Dr. Kirk." He turned towards Sorub, "thank you so much for escorting us here, Sorub. We can beam back to our ship from here but after we have concluded our negotiations I would love to hear more about keeping the records and the more interesting parts of this planets history."

"I will look forward to it, Captain," Sorub bowed slightly to Jim.

Jim bowed back and tapped his communicator, "Kirk to Scotty, seven to beam up."


End file.
